


i know i talk too much

by Aciel



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BILL IS BI, Coming Out, F/M, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Mike Hanlon, Gay Richie Tozier, Homophobic Language, I'm Bad At Tagging, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Unreliable Narrator, because i feel like richie really has low self esteem, i based a lot of this on richie's obituary that we see in the 2nd movie, i'm also not putting all the tags because it will spoil part 2, so is stan because i said so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:49:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22651294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aciel/pseuds/Aciel
Summary: "A native of Derry, Maine, Richard Tozier suffered through a troubled childhood that was marred by self doubt and indecision. His countless insecurities led him to ridicule the few friends he had, an action that would come to haunt him for the remainder of his meaningless life. Richard was an awkward-looking child, and his parents regarded him with both shame and disappointment. Their contempt for him only intensified during Richard's adolescence, when his repulsive inclination toward homosexuality and deviance emerged."
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 9
Kudos: 49





	1. Childhood

**Author's Note:**

> This is not beta read and it never will be. We die like men. Anyway, I've had this idea for a while, and maybe that's just me projecting but I really wanted to write it. No one will probably read this because the fandom is dead but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I hope the characters are not too OCC but they probably are, huh.
> 
> yes the title is inspired by Hamilton. fight me.
> 
> also sorry if my english is not the best, it's not my native language so if you see some obvious and disgusting mistakes, don't be afraid to point them out to me.

Richie Tozier knew he talked too much. That was his _“thing”_ , the reason why he was such a loser. He talked too much and none of the things he said was relevant. Or funny. Or clever in any way. It’s not that he was dumb. He was actually quite smart. He had to be, or his parents would ignore him even more, he thinks. If getting straight As means he will get a smile and maybe a hug once in a while, then it was worth the nights of studying. He’d get more attention elsewhere; with his friends, the losers. But how long until they got tired of him? Until the jokes are too much? Until _he_ is too much?

No one is safe with him. No matter what’s going on with your life, Richie Tozier is here to make a joke out of it. Bill’s struggle with his stutter is hilarious. Making fun of Eddie’s abusive and obese mom will never get old. Mocking Stan for acting like an old man (even though he is the only responsible one in the friend group)? Of course that’s fun too. He might love Beverly like the sister he never had but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t bring up the horrible rumours about her. (It’s fine if he does, there are rumours about him too after all.) Ben _is_ fat, that is a fact, he is allowed to bring it up. Mike is an outsider, and he’s black in an awful conservative town in the 80s, the jokes basically write themselves. Of course there’s some self depreciative humour thrown in there, but that’s the one thing the losers don’t notice. People tend to focus on what’s being said about them, after all.

The losers found a cute little catchphrase back in the days to notify Richie whenever he crossed a line: “Beep Beep”, followed by either his name or his famous nickname; “Trashmouth”. Richie would immediately close his mouth every time the little phrase was uttered. Or he’d change the subject. He wasn’t that much of an asshole to continue when he clearly had gone too far. However, as they got older, the beeping would become more frequent, it became more aggressive as well. It wasn’t long until every time Richie tried to say something, even when it was actually serious and relevant to the conversation, he would hear a loud and exasperated “Beep beep, trashmouth.” It was funny when they were younger, it became hurtful when they turned 16 and he would never be allowed to talk without getting beeped; it was painful when even sweet and kind Ben and Mike would beep him too. Itbecame painful when they used it before he even had the time to say anything at all.

At one point, he thought he would stop talking for a while, to see if anyone would notice. He was the one talking the most, obviously him shutting up would get noticed.

It didn’t get noticed. It became worse. Him not talking seemed to bother absolutely no one. Worse, he would be told to shut up when he didn’t even intend on talking. Sometimes he just moved and Eddie would just stare at him and yell “Shut the fuck up Richie, oh my fucking God.”.

At first, him shutting up was just to see if the others would notice. But at one point, he truly had nothing to say. His own friends, losers that they all were, were even rejecting him. So he shut up. And he decided to leave the losers club. They didn’t need him. He needed them but the majority wins, he guesses.

In the very beginning, the losers noticed him drifting away, but Richie had always been the most independent of the group in a way, he didn’t mind being alone so much, he was used to it because he was the only one who enjoyed the arcade when he was younger so he had gone alone many times. And Richie bottled up his feelings, so none of the losers actually knew what was going on in his mind. None of the losers except for Stan.

“So, you just decided to ditch us?”

“Huh?”, Richie’s voice was sore, he hadn’t used it in a while.

“You’re never with us anymore, did something happen?”

“Nah, it’s alright Stan the man. I just… needed time alone I guess.”

“Don’t lie to me, I know something is wrong.”

“We’re growing up Stan. What, you thought we would stay together all the time as we grew older? Believe it or not but even I can see that we can’t always remain children.”

“What the hell do you even mean? What changed?”

“Maybe the fact that you’re always telling me to shut the fuck up? I don’t know, I have feelings man, you can’t just actively shit on me while I’m with you and expect me to just take it and ignore it. I’m sick of it.”

“Why didn’t you just tell us?”

“Because I can never talk to you anymore. You always tell me to shut up!”

“That’s—“

“Don’t tell me that’s not true, you know it is.”

“Ok well, we’ll do better, I don’t know, you can’t just leave the loser’s club just like that!”

Richie wasn’t used to Stan being kind to him, sure, he was his best friend, but their friendship worked in the way they would both rile each other up, not express their feelings that way.

“It’s not just that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think you know. I think you already know why I can’t stay with all of you.”

Stan’s eyes looked up to Richie and then down at his shoes.

“Is it because of Eddie?”

“Ding ding ding, we have a winner.”

“He wouldn’t mind, you know. No one would mind if you just…”

“What? If I just told everyone I was a little faggot?”

“Don’t say that.”

“But it’s true, isn’t it? I’m a fucking fairy, a fag. That’s why I was a loser in the first place.”

“I’m pretty sure it was because of your big ass glasses and your annoying personality.”

Stan stared at Richie, hoping for him to laugh, to smile, anything. He did laugh, but it was bitter.

“Thanks for being there Stan. You really are a good friend.”

“Not good enough for you to stay.”

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Oh fucking hell, it sounds like you’re breaking up with me.”

“Our love could never be, you’re just too jewish, your cut penis could never satisfy me.”

“For the last fucking time Richie, you were there, you _know_ that’s not what happened!”

“Do I? Do I really know that?”

Richie finally genuinely smiled. But maybe he shouldn’t have, because it broke Stan’s heart. It was a final smile, the last time he would see that smile addressed to him, probably. And it hurt.

“Anyway Stanny, I’m sorry but I have to go, I want to finish up a few things before we go back to class tomorrow. Say hello to the losers for me, alright? And I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, we’re the ones who should be sorry. I hope it gets better for you, Trashmouth.”

* * *

And it really did get better for a while, Richie would say. He found new friends. High school really wasn’t the way the movies would make you believe it is. No one really care about who you used to be, the bullies focus on the weakest, and Richie doesn’t look so weak anymore. He’s not that strong but he’s tall, really tall. And that tends to intimidate people, he guesses.

He sees the losers in the halls sometimes, minus Beverly who went to live with her aunt and Mike who still works at his grandfather’s farm. They seem good. They’ve all grown up. He can sometimes catch Eddie staring at him with a sad look on his face. It hurts. It hurts because no matter how much time passes, he can never forget his feelings for his former friend. He really wishes he could. But he guesses he’ll never truly stop loving Eddie, no matter what. He might be the love of his life. But Richie will never be Eddie’s. Because a boy who likes boy doesn’t deserve happiness. A boy who likes boy shouldn’t even be alive.

* * *

On the last day of high school, Richie thinks he’ll go see the Losers one last time. Just to say goodbye. He’s going away after all, he’ll never see them again and though they made him suffer with their mean remarks, he knows it was never meant to be hurtful. They were kids. But Richie has always been sensitive and bad with expressing his true feelings. So he ran away. That was always something he was good at.

Seems like he wasn’t the only one hoping for a last Losers’ reunion, since all of them were waiting outside his house. Except Beverly. That was kind of a bummer, he guesses, but it couldn’t be helped, she had a new life now.

“Hey Rich’.”

“Hey losers. Funny seeing you hear.”

“We heard you were going to leave town tomorrow. We wanted to say goodbye, despite… you know.”

Stan kept looking at the ground. Probably still embarrassed by their falling out.

“Yeah, that’s… That’s nice of you to think about lil’ old me. I was going to say goodbye, you know.”

“Were you?”, Eddie sounded mad. But Richie couldn’t help but feel all bubbly inside at the sound of his voice.

“I was, spaghetti. I was going to drop by the clubhouse to see if you were there, if not, I would’ve left a note or something.”

“A note? That’s all we’re fucking worth to you? A fucking note? After all we’ve been through together?”

“Eddie…”, tried Ben, “stop.”

“No I won’t fucking stop! You fucking left us Richie! Why? Because you didn’t want to stay with us anymore? You thought you were too cool for us or something?”

“Is that why you think I stopped hanging out with you all? Because I thought I was better than you?”

“No.” Stan. Of course Stan knew the real reason.

“Do you know something we don’t, Stan?”

Stan looked at Richie with desperate eyes. Pleading for him to finally tell the truth. It hurt them more not knowing.

“He knows. I told him.”

“What the fuck, Stan. Why the fuck didn’t you tell us?”

Only Eddie and Bill seemed upset. For some reason, Mike and Ben were oddly quiet. Well, not that odd, they were always the kindest ones of the group.

“It was not my place to tell.”

“What?”

“It’s not my secret to tell is all. Despite everything, Richie is still my best friend. I’ll never betray him.”

Richie almost cried at that.

“Your best friend? You haven’t talked in four fucking years!”

“”Actually…”

“What the fuck?”

“We’re both jewish! We were bound to see each other at the synagogue!”

“We still don’t know why you left, Richie. Care to explain?”

“Because I felt like you hated me.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You were always yelling at me, telling me to shut up. At one point I stopped talking for a week. An entire fucking week. And you still told me to shut the fuck up. There’s only so much I can take.”

They all looked guiltily at their feet. Of course none of them noticed what he was going through. Well except Stan, but it wasn’t enough.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” asked Ben in a sweet and sad voice.

“I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings I guess. I’ve always felt like I was annoying all of you, how was I supposed to know you weren’t going to call me a drama queen for feeling like that?”

“Richie… I’m so sorry.” Mike, always the empathetic one.

Eddie didn’t say anything, but he looked close to tears. For a while, all of them stood in silence, not knowing what to say.

“And there was something else.”, Richie finally says, staring at Stan with determination.

“You can tell us, Richie, I promise you, it’s okay.”

“The main reason why I stopped hanging out with you was because I was hiding something and I felt like I could never tell you. I was too scared. But now that I’m leaving, I feel like I owe you the real explanation.”

Stan put his hand on Richie’s shoulder, squeezing it as if to give him all the courage he needed.

“I’m gay.”

Silence.

More silence.

“Oh Richie.”

Ben quickly ran towards Richie, pulling him into a crushing hug. He was soon followed by Mike and Bill. Eddie wouldn’t move. He looked shocked. But Richie didn’t care. He was too focused on his three old friends whispering words of support in his ears.

“Oh Richie, I’m so sorry we made you feel like we wouldn’t have accepted you!”

“It’s not you, you never did anything to make me feel like you wouldn’t support me, I was just… so fucking scared. Bowers found out because I was flirting with his cousin once and… I don’t know, I got scared you would react the same way.”

“What the fuck? You think we’re like fucking Bowers?” Eddie finally spoke. Or yelled.

“Ok what the fuck is you problem, man? No I don’t think you’re the same as Bowers but you can’t blame me for being scared to come out when homosexuality can get me fucking killed! So yeah, I’m sorry for not talking with you about it, and maybe if I had, we would’ve still been friends today, but when I see how you react, I think maybe I was right for not fucking telling you!”

“So what, you think I’m fucking homophobic?”

“Are you fucking hearing yourself? You’re literally yelling at me for coming out!”

“I’m yelling at you because you could’ve told us way soon! Because I’m hurt you didn’t fucking trust us enough and you though we would’ve attacked you or something! If you had just talked to us you would’ve known that you’re not the only gay one you fucking asshole!”

“Uh… What?”

“If you weren’t just focused on yourself you would’ve known that I’m gay! That Mike’s gay! That Bill and Stan are bisexual! But no! You think you’re the only one struggling!”

“Wow, ok Eddie, just calm down a bit”, tried Mike.

“No, I won’t fucking calm down! You threw away our friendship just because you were too chickenshit to admit one little thing that we would’ve accepted without problem! And now it’s too late isn’t it? Because you’re leaving! So why the fuck did you even tell us?”

“Because… I needed to tell you so I could move on.”

“Oh, you want to move on, don’t you? Who cares about the losers, right? Who cares about everything we’ve been through? Who care about anyone else’s feelings but your own? You’re so fucking selfish Richie.”

“Eddie, you don’t know everything…” Stan intervened.

“Oh because there’s more to know? And of course you fucking know, but none of us are allowed to know, huh?”

“I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU!” Richie blurts out.

Huh. It was easier than he thought. No one reacted, except Stan who grabbed Richie’s hand.

“I was in love with you, Eddie. Still am, and probably always will be. That’s why I couldn’t stay friends with you. Because it hurt too much to know you would never feel the same way about me. I couldn’t have stayed friends with you because one day you would’ve found someone who would love you the right way, better than I could, and I just know I won’t be able to just stand and watch you be happy and in love with someone else than me, and you don’t deserve that. And I loved being your friends, but I want you to be happy, and I know me staying friends with you would’ve hindered your happiness because I would’ve been jealous of a love I don’t deserve from you. So yeah, call me selfish, I am. I’ve always been. But I can’t be a part of your life like this. It would be unfair for the both of us. You don’t deserve my jealousy and I believe I don’t deserve to live my life pining after someone I can’t have. So I’m moving on, no matter how much it hurts me not to be part of your life, of all your lives, but I can’t ask you to chose between me and Eddie, or rather, I’m choosing for you. So I’m leaving. I’ll miss you, I’ll miss what could’ve been, but I can’t do this anymore. I just wanted to say goodbye, and explain myself. That’s what I’ve done. And don’t worry Bill, I still remember our promise, if the time comes, if It ever comes back, so will I.”

And so Richie left. And he forgot. All of them did. They didn’t remember the clown nor did they remember each other. Until one day, Richie received a phone call from Derry.


	2. Back to Derry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie gets back to Derry. It's definitely not as fun as it could have been. Feelings resurface. Stan is here. They have to kill the fucking clown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this story was going to be in two parts but I feel like it'd be better to actually cut the second part in half because it was getting way too long and I was far from being finished. I also know I got the chronology of the events a bit wrong but I was going with the flow of my imagination and I didn't want to rewatch the movie while I was writing so... I guess I'm rewriting some parts that didn't really need to.

Honestly, Richie would love to say he led a happy life. He had everything he ever wanted, or he thinks so anyway. He knows he wanted to be a comedian when he was younger. That may be the only thing he remembers from his childhood. However he doesn’t know if repeating jokes that were written for him was part of his dream or not. Richie had always felt like he was living someone else’s life, telling someone else’s jokes. Which, in a way, was what he was doing. He did start his career by writing his own material, but at some point, he didn’t have any new ideas, and the fact that he couldn’t remember most of his childhood didn’t help with shaping who he wanted to be as an adult. He couldn’t remember which mistakes he made, who were his friends, if he had a lover… He just couldn’t remember anything. His parents always avoided the subject, telling him the few friends he had in high school weren’t really the type of friends you would keep contact with.

One thing Richie did know about himself, was that he was gay. He doesn’t know who awakened this in him, but he does know that women just don’t do it for him. For a long time, he hated himself for it. He spent most of his college life closeted and afraid. He doesn’t think he ever came out to anybody. He’s never felt accepted, not that it was anyone’s fault, after all no one knew about him. It’s not like he _looked_ gay in any way. The way he dressed was tragic; at one point, he was so closeted that people thought he was homophobic, and at the time, it was okay. But he was 40 years old now. It was 2016 and being gay was okay. The LGBTQ+ community had evolved, more and more people came out and Richie wasn’t as scared as he used to be. He still didn’t want to come out, but at the very least he wasn’t as scared, he didn’t feel as bad. He wasn’t a monster, he wasn’t a freak. Other people were like him and they were okay, they were accepted. They weren’t attacked like he had been when he was younger. Of course, there were still problems, homophobes still existed, but it was always going to be this way. The same way there would always be stupid ass racists and misogynistic assholes in the world. Richie still felt like he was allowed to exist. Like he was allowed to love.

That didn’t mean he found someone to share his life with though. He did have some flings here and there, but he could never develop strong feelings for anyone, not even if the person was perfect for him. For some reason there always seemed to be something holding him back.

Richie deeply wanted to love and be loved, but it seemed like he was too broken for that.

His phone rang, displaying a number that was not registered on his phone. That was a rare occurrence. Richie didn’t have many friends, and the few he had, either didn’t call him or their numbers would already be in his phone. Richie somehow felt this dreadful feeling inside of him before he answered.

“Richie Tozier?”

“Yeah? Who’s this?”

“It’s Mike. Mike Hanlon, from Derry.”

“I’m sorry, who?”

“Richie, it’s back.”

“What?”

“We made a promise, do you remember? If It ever came back, we would come back too.”

“Mike…”

“We promised, Richie. Bill already agreed to come back.”

“Bill… Yeah, huh… okay. I’ll… I have to go right now but huh… Yeah I’ll get a flight and get here as soon as I can.”

“Okay Richie.” Mike’s voice was soft. “See you soon. I have to call Eddie.” and he hung up.

“Eddie…” The name sounded familiar. But again, so did Mike’s voice. Richie knew he heard it before. Before he could think more about it, he ran towards the exit and threw up from the balcony. Richie couldn’t wait to go back to Derry.

For some reason, finding a flight to Derry had been one of the easiest thing ever. It was almost as if the universe wanted him to get there as soon as possible. When he got in front of the restaurant, he immediately recognised the fiery beauty of Beverly Marsh and the kind eyes of Ben Hanscom, though he looked absolutely nothing like he would’ve have expected, not that he remembered what he actually did expect an old Ben to look like. Apparently, Richie wasn’t the only Loser who managed to make a name for himself. He definitely remembers seeing Beverly and Ben’s face in some magazines. Beverly works in fashion, he believes, while Ben is a renowned architect.

Richie feels a little below them for some reasons. While everyone had managed to get their life together and work real jobs, he had just become a professional clown.

Huh, somehow the theme of a clown was always constant in his life, it seemed.

* * *

“Sometimes, I see a terrifying face in my nightmares.” he had told his therapist at the time.

“What does this face look like?”

“It looks like a clown.”

“And how is that scary?”

“I don’t know, there’s just something about it… It makes me feel like throwing up.”

“You say “it” but isn’t the face one of a man who just looks like a clown?”

“Somehow, “it” sounds more appropriate to describe this clown.”

“I see… Maybe this clown you’re seeing represents the uncertainty of your choice of career, don’t you think? Your fear of failure in a world that sees you as nothing but a clown?”

“Yeah… Or maybe I’m just fucking scared shitless of a horrifying clown that keeps showing up when I sleep, who the fuck knows?”

After that, Richie had given up on seeing a therapist. They would always overanalyse every single thing like sometimes the answer wasn’t just straightforward. Richie knows he was scared of clowns, not of failure or whatever this fraud was trying to tell him.

Who was that guy to tell him that he was scared of people telling him he wasn’t actually funny? Did he want Richie to realise that making shitty jokes that your friends laugh at a few times when he was drunk at a college party doesn’t make him a comedian? Or maybe he wanted him to realise that the real joke was his whole life and how deluded he was to think he could actually entertain people with his humour when in reality even his friends gave him pity laughs. That’s what it was wasn’t it? Why he started hiring ghost writers all of a sudden. Because he realised he wasn’t actually funny at all. He was just nothing. Just a fucking clown.

* * *

“-chie? Richie?”

“Wow, you guys look amazing, what the fuck happened to me?” He laughed. That’s what he did best, wasn’t it, deflecting his feelings with not-so-funny humour.

“It’s good to see you again Trashmouth!”

They hugged and suddenly Richie was overwhelmed with a warm feeling of nostalgia. He had missed them, he realises. He didn’t remember them two minutes ago but he knows he had missed them. Like they were a part of him that was missing. However there’s something he’s confused about. Richie feels like their separation happened before he moved away. But he really can’t remember it.

As soon as they arrived to the corner where the other losers where, Richie felt like crying. He didn’t really know if it was from joy or something else. But there was an unknown feeling overcoming his chest. Something buried inside of him, that he hid away a long time ago. Richie was scared of uncovering this feeling again. He knows he’ll get hurt again.

The silence between all of them is awkward. That was to be expected, they were not kids anymore. But that doesn’t mean they weren’t still friends. Richie did what he did best: defuse the tension. He saw the opportunity and he took it. The bong was just sitting there, it would have been a shame not to use it.

“This meeting of the Losers’s club has officially begun.”

“Eh, look at these guys.”

It was Eddie. Eddie Kapsbrack. Richie knew who Eddie was as soon as he saw him. That was the love of his life right there. The reason why Richie would never fall in love. He still looked the exact same as he remembered him, yet different. Older but that was a given. He noticed the tired eyes, the wrinkles he had gotten with age. But most importantly, he noticed the ring on his finger. Of course.

Their eyes met, and Eddie’s eyes seemed to soften.

“Hey Trashmouth.”

“Hey Eds.”

“Ugh, don’t call me that-“

It was an automatism. Richie knew Eddie actually loved being called Eds. It made him feel special. Richie couldn’t stand Eddie’s sweet smile at him.

“So… Where is Stan?”

“Stan… Stanley…”

“Urine. Stanley Uris.”

“Stan the Man.”

“How many times will you say my name like that? I’m not a ghost, I don’t require to be summoned.”, Stan’s voice came from behind them.

Stan Uris looked the exact same. Except he was taller and had glasses. That was almost eery. He was the exact same person. Richie doesn’t know why but he needs to hug him, right now.

“Hey Rich’”, he smiles, “sorry I’m late, had some troubles at the rental agency.”

“It’s good to see you Uris.”

“Good to see you too Trashmouth. Now are you going to let me go so we can sit?”

Richie was careful _not_ to sit next to Eddie. Richie immediately grabbed Stan so he would sit next to him.

“I want to be in a sandwich of the hottest people here.” He claimed.

Even though he was well aware that he had never been attracted to Beverly in the slightest and Stan had always been like a brother to him. But it felt safer that way. And he tried to ignore the hurt he thought he saw in Eddie’s eyes.

“So Eddie, you got married?”

“Yeah what’s it so fucking funny to you, dickwad?”, this was familiar, their banter. He had missed it.

“What, to like, a woman?”

“Fuck you.”

“FUCK YOU!”

Stan rolled his eyes. A fond smile on his face. Richie remembered that face. It scared him to remember that Stan knew. Stan always knew.

Somehow Eddie got more quiet after that. He had this look on his face, like he was thinking really hard about something. Richie feels like he should know what he’s thinking about but his memories are still too blurry. Also he drank two shot of vodka already so he doesn’t really expect to remember anything in great details.

“Are you married Trashmouth?”, Beverly sounds genuinely curious.

“Of course.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“No it’s true.”

“When?”

“You didn’t know I got married?”

“No, I…”

Eddie almost looked sad. Which made Richie angry. He was the one who felt sad. Eddie’s married. To a woman. He probably has the perfect life. Oh God, he probably even has kids.

“Yeah, no, me and your mom are very happy together.”

And suddenly everyone roared of laughter. Beverly had tears in her eyes and kept saying “oh my god you definitely got him.” Richie proceeded to do an imitation of Jabba the Hut, just because he could. Just to rile Eddie up, like he used to. Something inside of him told him to stop, that he was going too far. But Eddie didn’t look as mad as he would expect.

“Hilarious. Hysterical. Yeah we get it, my mom was obese. Get new material.”

Everyone laughed. And Richie felt something inside him. Acceptance, maybe? Like he was meant to be there, like he finally belonged somewhere. Yet, something was also pulling him away. His emotions must have shown on his face because Stan grabbed his hand. Richie remembers him doing that a lot when they were younger and he was stressed out.

“Richie. Do you remember the day you left Derry?”

“To be honest, Stan the Man, everything is still kind of blurry.”

“Oh… Well… I just want you to know… No, I need you to know that I remember. And I’m sorry. For what happened. I know that’s not a valid excuse but I was a child at the time, I didn’t know how to understand you like I wanted to.”

“I literally have no idea why you’re apologising to me right now, Stanny, but you’re forgiven either way. We’re adults. And if I can’t remember the bad things, they mustn’t have been that bad!”

Stan had this sour look on his face. He definitely knew something Richie didn’t.

“Anyway, so Stan, Bill, Eddie and Bev are married, then?” Richie declared.

“I’m separated.”, whispered Beverly with her eyes fixed on the floor. Richie couldn’t help but catch Ben’s hopeful look at this knowledge.

“To be completely honest, not everything is going well with Audra, my wife.”

“Oooh, trouble in paradise, my dear Billiam?”

“Beep Beep Richie.”

And that did it. Suddenly, Richie remembered. It was almost as if this was the secret password that unlocked his memories. The little phrase that would be said every time he would go too far. The little phrase that was abused when they were teenagers, which made him drift away from the Losers. Somehow, it seemed to be familiar for the others as well because they all lowered their eyes and showed a guilty look on their faces.

“Oh.”

Stan’s hand made his way back to Richie’s.

“Oh Richie…”

Mike had been rather quiet so far. Probably because he remembered everything, or rather, he had never forgotten. He hadn’t said anything in fear of reminding them of the bad parts first, Richie guesses. But there they were. All fresh in their minds as if they had never been forgotten.

“Richie. We really are sorry for what happened. We should’ve talked to you. We should’ve tried to get you back.”

“Don’t be fucking sappy now. I left because I wanted to, nothing more, nothing less.”

“Don’t you dare fucking lie, you dipshit.” Eddie screamed at him. Just like he had the last time. “You left because you felt like you couldn’t talk to us. Because we made you feel like you couldn’t talk to us. I don’t remember everything yet but I _know_ it was our fault. You always listened to us but we always shut you out.”

“Let’s just forget about it, it’s the past anyway.”

“Yeah well, the past has a way to find its way back into our lives, doesn’t it? That’s why we’re here, right?”

Silence.

“It’s back.”

“Oh my fucking God, it’s back.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“You’re jewish, Stan.”

“And Pennywise is back, are we just stating truths here?”

“Holy fuck.”

“That’s why I’ve called you all here. We made a promise. A promise to come back so we could kill It.”

“Holy shit man. If I had known I wouldn’t have come.”

“I know, that’s why I didn’t tell you when I first called you.”

“So what you waited until all of us reunited to tell us we didn’t come back to catch up but to instead be killed by a monster clown?”

“We won’t die.”

“Who’s to fucking say, Mike?”

“There’s a ritual, it’ll help us take it down. End It for real this time.”

“A ritual? A fucking ritual? Are you fucking serious?” Eddie had stood up. The vein on his forehead seemed ready to explode. Stan’s face had never been more pale. Richie wanted to throw up.

Suddenly, the little chinese biscuits got crazy. All kinds of horrible things coming out of them. As soon as one of these things got close to Eddie, Richie couldn’t help but scream and extend his arm to try and protect him. However he didn’t expect Eddie to actually grab his arm and collapse against him. Richie’s heart wouldn’t stop beating, so much that he was scared Eddie could feel it. Somehow, everything stopped once the waitress arrived, reacting to the noises they were making. Soon enough they were all out, next to their respective cars and they all showed to be quite upset.

“So like, who wants to get the hell out of this shit hole?”

Eddie lifted his hand so it would be next to Richie’s in the air.

“We can’t just leave! We made a promise!”

“Yeah! When we were children! I don’t think a contract made by children is legally binding!”

“People will die if we don’t do anything! People already died!”

“That’s not my problem, Mike. That’s not any of the Losers’ problem. People die every day. Do you want to go hunt every single killer in the world too?”

“We made a deal. We couldn’t do anything as children but now we’re adults! We’re probably the only adults who can even see It! Children will die!”

“Yeah, repeating what you just told me won’t make it more powerful, man. You’re no 12 years-old Bill Denbrough.”

“Richie…”

“Listen man, two hours ago I didn’t even remember I grew up here. I didn’t remember any of you. And now you’re asking me to die for you? Not gonna lie, that doesn’t sound very appealing. Especially since the last thing I remember about all of you is that you let me leave. You didn’t even _try_ to hold me back that time. And now you’re actually trying to get me to stay but I don’t think it’s actually working.”

Richie knows he’s in the wrong. Well, he’s not entirely in the wrong, but still. He’s being stubborn. But if he’s honest, he’s not actually planning on leaving. But he’s feeling so many fucking things at the same time. The most intense feeling is fear. He thinks he needs to lie down. Or drink something, or even talk to someone. Anyone. Except Eddie. For obvious reasons.

They get back to the Townhouse; all of them except Bill who went with Mike. Richie is well aware that he could just go to his room, get blackout drunk and sleep through the trauma. Or he could even run away without anyone noticing. But even if he didn’t feel brave enough to face the clown again, he was too much of a coward to actually leave his friends (were they still his friends?) behind. He cared too much about them, that’s why he left them in the first place when they were kids, he had to get away before he started to resent them for his own insecurities.

Richie collapsed in one of the sofa of the townhouse. Eddie had ran upstairs, his face really pale. Stan silently collapsed next to him, like he sometimes used to do when they were younger, before Richie became obsessed with Eddie and tried to do everything to be close to him.

Beverly sat next to Ben on the other sofa but none of them were too comfortable to start a conversation. So Richie obliged.

“So, Stan. Tell us about the wife.”

“Her name’s Patricia. She’s wonderful. She’s the best thing that ever happened to my life.”

“Damn, and I thought _I_ was the best thing to ever happen to you.”

“You’re the second.”

“Huh?”

“You’re the second best thing to ever happen to me, you used to be the first before Patty.”

“Wow, that’s such an honour, Stanny.”

Richie said it while laughing but he knew his voice betrayed him as it trembled with feelings. He felt the tears coming to his eyes.

“I’m serious Richie, you’re my best friend. The reason why I came back here actually.”

“What do you mean? We all came back because Mike called us.”

“I… Well… I almost didn’t make it.”

“Because you couldn’t find a plane…?”

“Because I almost killed myself.”

Beverly audibly gasped, her eyes almost out of her skull.

“The thing is… I’m scared. I know we’re all scared but I’m scared in the weak way. I’m not like all of you, I can’t turn my fear into courage. I suddenly remembered the first time we fought It when we were children and I was frozen. I didn’t want to risk being frozen now, the stakes are higher, somehow. I know we all had to be together so I thought if I took myself off the board, then it would be okay. Somehow I really believed if I were to be dead, you would not suffer the consequences of me being a coward.”

“Fucking hell, Stan.”

“I’m glad you’re here with us.”

“So what the fuck made you change your mind? Because from what you just told us, you had a flawless little plan.” Richie couldn’t help but be angry. He almost lost Stan, and he may have never known. Who’s to say he would have remembered him if he had died.

“You, Richie. I remembered you. I remembered my best friend, who was the only one who showed up to my bat-mitzvah, who was always here for me and who never blamed me when I treated him like shit even though I would’ve deserved it.”

“Careful, I’ll think you’re in love with me or something, man.”

“I was. I think. I remember having very strong feelings for you.”

“Huh… What?”

“Yeah, I think I used to love you when we were kids. Never told you because I knew you would feel guilty for not being able to love me back.”

“What the fuck, man?”

“How fucking slow are you, Richie?”

“No I understand what you’re saying but I just… don’t understand?”

“Nice going Trashmouth. I’m just saying, I wanted to see you again, that’s why I decided against… not coming back.”

“But you don’t… I mean…”

“No Trashmouth, I don’t have feelings for you anymore. I have a wife, whom I love with all my heart. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, man.”

“But why are you saying this now?”

“I feel like you deserved to know. You have to know that someone out here loved you when you didn’t love yourself. But please, stop crying.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

Stan had a soft smile on his face but Beverly frowned.

“I think I saw that.”

“Huh?”

“I think… I saw you die, Stan.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember when I was in the deadlights?”

“Sure?”

“I think I saw all of us die. And I saw you in a bathroom. With…”

“With my wrists cut.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s how I planned to do it.”

“What the fuck? Bev you saw all of us die? How the fuck do I die?”

“I can’t tell you! I don’t know! I just… I remembered what I saw when Stan told us!”

“So that’s just shitty future vision, huh. You could’ve scored a better superpower, Marsh.”

“It’s not like I chose it, Trashmouth.”

“So there are ways we can die, but they’re not inevitable, then. Because Stan didn’t die.”

“Right. Maybe these were just visions to scare me?”

“Or realities that do happen in other universes, who the fuck knows? Nothing about our situation makes sense.”

Beverly did look relieved though, maybe they would be okay, maybe they would make it. They started talking about their lives, outside of Derry, catching up, if anything. They were interrupted by a scream coming from Eddie’s room. Richie’s blood felt like it was boiling and he sprinted upstairs to find none other than Henry Bowers standing in Eddie’s bathroom.

“Holy shit dude, you did not age well. And I thought I was bad!”

“Hey there little fairy!”

“Dude, homophobia in 2016? Come on!”

Richie could see Eddie moving behind the shower curtain. He supposed Bowers could too because he started making his way towards him. Suddenly a knife went through the curtain, stabbing Bowers in the guts. Eddie pushed the curtain back, revealing a stab wound in his cheek.

“Wait, did you get stabbed in the face and pulled the knife out of it just to stab Bowers?”

“Richie!”

Before Richie even realised what Eddie had screamed about, he felt a sharp pain in forearm. The knife which had previously been in Eddie’s cheek, then Bowers’s stomach, ended up in Richie’s arm.

“Damn, I thought one blood oath in my lifetime was enough, didn’t need another one, especially not with Bowers!”

“Not the time to make fucking jokes Richie for fuck’s sake.”

As they were arguing, Bowers made his way to the window and, with a wicked smile, winked at them before dropping down. Both Eddie and Richie sprinted towards the window just to see where their bully ended up only to find him in a car, blowing them kisses.

“Is that…”

“Patrick fucking Hocksetter? Wasn’t he…?”

“Yeah he’s fucking dead look at him!”

“Holy shit that’s a fucking zombie!”

“Are you guys alright?” Beverly interrupted.

“No we fucking both got stabbed by Bowers!”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah turns out the guy hasn’t resolved his childhood trauma, would you believe that?”

“For fuck’s sake, are you both okay?”

“Huh, define okay?”

“Holy shit Eddie!”

“Oh yeah, Eds got stabbed in the face by Bowers.”

Maybe the fear made Richie even more of an asshole than he usually was. Or maybe he was just a cruel son of a bitch (no offence to Maggie Tozier, she was a lovely woman, she tried her best), but still. Richie could see the rage in Eddie’s eyes, honestly, he missed it, as twisted as it sounded.

“Don’t fucking call me Eds you asshole. You also got stabbed.”

“You got stabbed Richie?!”

“It’s literally a scratch!”

“Don’t use the term ‘literally’ when it’s not appropriate!”

“Oh are you going to give me an english lesson professor Kaspbrack? Will you punish me if I don’t behave?”

“I don’t even know why I fucking bother!”

No one was focusing on Richie anymore. That was good. He didn’t need that. Eddie needed the attention, not him. Never him. He could accept being the comic relief but Richie never wanted to be serious, because it would mean he’d have to open up. It was weird in a way, Richie craved the attention of his friends, yet he always acted the most cruel way in order for them to back off once they got too close. That was the thing with Richie, he was okay with people around him knowing the persona he wanted to display, but once someone gets too close and gets to see how he really is, then it’s over, the image is shattered. And it’s easy to handle rejection from people when they only get to see the person Richie wants to appear as, but it’s harder to see people drift away because they didn’t like the real you. That’s why it clicked with the losers. They would stay, no matter how much of an asshole Richie could be. Richie knew they would always be here for him. Until they weren’t, he guesses. Because they had left him, hadn’t they. Or he had left them. Maybe he overreacted back then. Who could blame him, though, they were children. Richie wished they could have tried to hold him back. And the others probably hoped Richie would have just talked to them.

After Eddie had been somewhat put back together, nobody brought up Richie’s stabbed arm. It hurt like a bitch though. Eddie would sometimes stare at Richie, like he wanted to say something. But he didn’t say anything.

“Mike drugged me.” Bill had said. And somehow they went to the old clubhouse. All the losers seemed to hold some fond memories of the place, however Richie didn’t really like the place. He used to love it, because he could sneakily cuddle with Eddie in the hammock, but after the whole ordeal of the losers ignoring him, he didn’t want to set a foot underground again. But they had to, didn’t they. They had to defeat the fucking clown and Richie had to be confronted to his fucking phobias once again. Because having a break once is just too fucking much to ask.

Apparently imitating the clown who killed many children and traumatised them when they were children is not as funny as Richie would think, huh.

“We have to find tokens, for the ritual.” had said Mike.

“Okay so should we just… form groups and look around?”

“No, we weren’t together all that summer. We need to find them on our own.”

“That’s not fair, Stan already has his. What is he gonna do, chill out until we all come back?”

“I’ll come with you if you’re scared, Richie.” Stan replied.

“I’m not fucking scared you asshole. I just…”

“I’ll come with you anyway.”

“What you still have a crush on me or something? What shall I say to Patty? That you just couldn’t resist these charms yet again? I’ve always known I was a home wrecker.”

“Wait what do you mean ‘again’?” Eddie intervened, because of course he did.

“I told Richie I had a crush on him when we were _children_ and it’s getting to his head. I’m happily married, dude, no thank you.”

“Oh come on, I know you want that Tozier piece of ass.”

“Holy shit, I just realised something I forgot.”

“And what is that, Eddie Spaghetti?”

“First of all, don’t you dare fucking call me that. But I just remembered I’m gay. Fuck.”

“Wait, you forgot? You forgot you were gay? How the fuck?”

“I don’t know asshole! Holy shit, I’m gay and I’m married. To a woman! Who’s just like my mother!”

“Damn Eds, you’re the definition of a motherfucker, except with real incest, nice.”

“Shut the fuck up Richie!”

“But how do you even forget you’re gay? I get that we forgot a lot of things but even I remembered I was gay! That’s not just something linked to this summer!”

“Well maybe it was for me!”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… Fuck, maybe I realised that summer or something. Just…”

Eddie looked distressed, so Richie dropped the subject. He felt like he wouldn’t be able to handle more or Eddie remembering he was gay. The thought of Eddie being gay made him have hope that maybe his feelings could be requited. But it know it couldn’t be. Because Richie knew that he told Eddie he was in love with him. He remembers telling him right before he left. Eddie didn’t seem to remember it because he acted the exact same way he usually did. Or maybe he did remember and he was being mature about the whole situation by avoiding any confrontation. That was everything Richie could ever hope for. Except his gaze fell upon Eddie once more and the fucker was staring at him. Oh fuck, he knows. Richie was sure that was the look of someone who knows his best friend used to hold a flaming torch for him. Before Eddie could say anything, Richie declaimed:

“So… I know where to get my token. So I’m just… going to do that.”

“Wait Richie I need to talk to you!”

“We’ll have time to talk after we defeat the evil clown, Eds.”

“Don’t call me Eds. It’s really important, though.”

“Look, I know what you’re going to say and don’t worry about it. It was in the past. Right now we need to fucking focus on getting those useless tokens!”

Eddie looked hurt. Good. He didn’t need hope right now.

“So, Stan, still willing to come with this Trashmouth?”

“Ugh. I guess. It’s not like I have anything better to do. I have to make sure you don’t fuck off back to California.”

“I would never do that!”

“You already did it once.” Eddie whispered, angry now.

“Wow, low blow man. Anyway, see you later I guess.”

Stan tried to get Richie to look at him, with a questioning look in his eyes, but obviously, Richie did everything to avoid talking about it.

They headed towards the arcade, where Richie used to spend most of his time at when he was younger. That was his place, the one where he was alone, since none of the losers actually liked playing games, or at least not as much as Richie.

Then Richie was once again confronted to that sweet, sweethomophobia he had loved so much. Also that statue of Paul Bunyan didn’t age well. Still scared the shit out of him. But Stan mocking him for such an irrational fear kind of made it better if he was honest. At least he got his token, he guesses. He hoped Eddie got his without too much trouble, at least.

Now onto the murder of this fucking clown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me one month to write this shit. And it's not even complete.  
> Please leave comments so I know what to do better. thanks :)


	3. not a new chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not a chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry again.
> 
> tw: suicide

hi, just before diving into it, i just want to say that this fic is not abandoned. for those who stil care about this story, i do plan on finishing it (even plan on making an alternate ending to the one i wanted to do originally) so if you're willing to wait, i will finish this story.

so, long story short on why i haven't been writing: i had to move back to my parents' house because i have to change university, i had work during the whole summer and barely had time to sleep and also my brother just died at the end of august. so yeah, my mind has been quite preoccupied.

my little brother committed suicide, he was only 19. we were very close and though i knew he wasn't okay, i thought he wouldn't kill himself. but he did. and i blame myself for it a lot. sorry i'm venting because i know no one who knows me irl reads this but yeah. i can't help but blame myself for not trying harder to convince him that life was worth it. i knew how he felt. i nearly killed myself before, when my depression was at its worst. but i was always too much of a coward to actually do it. my brother had always been the bravest of the two of us, i never thought that bravery could be something bad and that cowardice could save me. 

anyway, at least y'all know why i haven't written anything in a while. i don't know when i'll finish this story, just know that i will. and honestly, some of my best writing has been done when i was either extremely depressed or very high (which are two of my most current states) so maybe the ending to this story will be even better than anticipated. or maybe it'll be shit. who the fuck knows?

sorry for rambling. guess i needed to get this out of me. 

see you later, this time with a new chapter. (rhyme not intended but very welcome)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> getting quite personal on here lol but yeah, i haven't been writing much.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this was bad and really depressing. Part 2 will be up in a rather short while, I hope, I have it mostly written. I'll probably write an alternate ending to part 2 as well because... well you'll see. I'm not adding all the tags now because I don't want to spoil everything. 
> 
> Also keep in mind that this is written from Richie's perspective, so while he may think everyone hates him, as well as his parents, that may not be the case at all, it's just how he sees himself and others. I'm not at all saying his parents and the losers were abusive towards him.
> 
> if you wanna talk, i'm always on twitter at : @acieluwux


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